ACCEPTANCE – AN ANTIDOTE FOR DENIAL

Part one of this series talked about the importance of the church developing an awareness of the seriousness of the problem of pornography or lust addiction, the powerlessness that people experience when in its grip, and the need for God’s power in order to progressively overcome it.

This article looks at the need to accept a problem exists if a person wants to overcome it, something few seem willing to do.

Viewing pornography usually starts in secret and remains a secret. While part of the person knows ‘this is wrong’, another part likes it. This creates tension and inner conflict and a sense of powerlessness. Strategies are employed in an attempt to feel comfortable. Justification and denial are common coping mechanisms. Self-deception leads to thoughts such as, ‘Well at least I don’t do that’, or, ‘that was the last time I will…’ or ‘if I ever get a bad as him or her I will do something about it’.

As long as the problem remains hidden, it gets worse. The person looks at images that are more explicit and/or engages in more and more risky behaviour. As time goes by lust consumes more of their identity. What was an ‘innocent’ secret pleasure once a week or fortnight, eventually becomes a world of secrecy, lies, guilt, shame, and fear. The person hides this from those around them leading to increased isolation.

In order to cope with the growing inner conflict, a person can subconsciously compartmentalise the “acting out in secret self” from the “public self”, creating two contradicting realities. As time goes by this “secret part” gets larger and more secret, to the point where they can literally hide it from themselves.

Lust has a way of latching onto a person’s will, helping to create a stubbornness that leads to a spiritual blindness. The lust-drunkenness keeps a person from seeing the damage caused to themselves and their relationships, including their relationship with God. Neither can they see the underlying problematic attitudes that feed the addictive behaviour.

It is rare that a person voluntarily chooses to confess their problem and seek help. In fact, due to the power of denial, it is common for a person to deny the issue even when caught.

For some, lust becomes the number one form of coping with life. Ironically, lust becomes a source of security and comfort. In many ways, it has become a “god” or more accurately an idol of worship (the source of their life). They have become dependent and due to this dependency, letting go can feel like they might die, and in some ways they are right. However it is a dying to self (dying to the old nature), and acting with humility and surrender which allows God’s grace to be released (James 4:6).

By grace, God allows moments of clarity that enable a person to have a glipse of what they are doing to themselves and provides opportunities to empower them to take action. Some may describe this as a part of their subconscious that betrays them and cries out for help by allowing the person to do something that allows them to get caught.

Put another way, a person’s own actions end up bringing about pain that can lead to repentance. Unfortunately, it can take a trail of broken relationships, the loss of position, dignity, and respect before light and truth penetrates the secret world of the pornography-addicted person’s soul. No matter how a person comes to an inevitable fork in the road, the decision to turn away from lust must come from within the individual.

As Dr Phil’s Life Law #4 says ‘you cannot change what you do not acknowledge’. Acceptance is an antidote for denial, and for the person that gets to this place, it is the beginning of healing and change.

Honesty and willingness to be open and talk to someone about the issue is vital for change to continue. It is the hidden part of self that contains the lust, fantasy, and acting out associated with pornography addiction. Coupled with this are the attitudes and beliefs about self, God and others. These too need to come out into the light. This takes tremendous courage and can be immensely scary.

It is important that such a sensitive issue be shared with someone trustworthy and/or a group that is safe. Bringing light to this issue is the beginning of a slow but necessary journey back to reality. It is a journey that will see the power of God enter a person’s life, giving them strength to remain ‘sober’ from their lust.

People caught in the web of pornography addiction are not ‘bad’ people. In fact, many have great hopes and dreams to fulfil. Many are in our churches, secretly battling this ‘thing’. God loves them and says ‘…I know the plans I have for you….plans to give you hope and a future’ (Jer 29:11). Part of that plan is a journey of freedom from the grasp of lust. It is a journey of faith, adventure, sacrifice, and service.

When we acknowledge our weakness, we can access God’s perfect strength (2 Cor 12:9). Out of such a journey will emerge a warrior equipped to ‘fight the good fight of the faith’ (1Tim 6:12) who can watch and come along side others as they come out of denial, climb out of hopelessness and despair, and walk with ‘…the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding…’ (Phil 4:7).

Scott Morgan has a degree in Christian Counselling and is in Christian ministry as a counsellor. He is part of Life Builders Inc., Vermont, Victoria.